ok i'm goin to start that i'm half way arround the world from most of the people who can read this....secondly i will say this is some crazy shit you don't look at the women at all..you haggle the price of evertying down.....you pay in duran and it's like 3.67 duran to 1 usd...so normaly you are paying that extra dollor to cover it....i was my daughters birthday recently and i didn't get to talk to her....makes me realise what a shit bag i realy am....i hope one day to be able to live with my daughter again...well at least neer her so i can be with her...for now ...i know this sounds wrong...but i fight so hard not to think about it...because when i do i just can't do it...you can never understand how much you will miss your son or daughter untill you have one for yourself...i would give anything to be with her right now....at first i joined this ass backwards orginisation to suport my daughter...then i couln't seee them hurt anymore....i broke...u can't makes sence of it untill it is you who is gone for months on top of months.....u break....and you change...you just stop talkin about anything that has anything to do with haven a kid....somethin i realised soon after i joined is i'm a horable father....i left....i'm no beter then a man who leaves his family on the street....i hate my self for that...and i probobly always will...but those are my demons...and i beleave that you are responsible for anything that you do so in the end i deserve worse...but i will never shed a tear...like i saied earlyer...i broke....i don't know who i am...i don't trust myself...i don't like myself...but i keep letin myself play this game in my head that tells me everything is alright....well this post is from jeb'allie and i'm still lost...maby one day i can find my self...and i might return....well it's after 2pm so i get get beer....time to forget again....have fun all

~~i might be a black light but i'm not burnt out.......
``Riesjac

well i'm at work again...what a suprise except today is new years eve. and i'm sitin here for 8 hours wonderin y i am here....it's not bad...not hard ...just , kinda like a 4year old with downsyndrome smokein crack put incharge of everyone arround here...make sence?..well it would if you were here...i talked to my baby the other day..for about 30sec b4 someone else got on the phone...i miss her sooo much..and i try soo hard to put her out of my mind...what u don't remember dosen't hurt...but i can't and i feel bad that i try...|| i deploy in 2 weeks and i goin to have so much to do but i still can't forget what i left...my baby...my friends...one of my friends won't even talk to me any more and i don't know why...most the time i was home i was upset over something or other...i think my baby has a new daddy...idk..i hope he treats her well....and y did i deside to take this job...oh yea because i thought it would make things easyer...what a joke i was tellin myeslf, but it is my life now...and i guess i'm goin to live it..you know how everyone says if i could go back and change somethin....i wouldn't...i learned once u make choices and u live with the consequences..and i'm goin to stick with that...worry about now and the next day...not yesterday....i've been at this 2years...and even if i got out today i don't think i could go back to what i was...i thought it was funnin in bootcamp when they say you'll change...but they're right..u do...and i'm still here...some of my friends didn't make it this far...some of them aren't goin to make it off deployment...but i am...i remember my english teacher always wanted me to keep a journal..i can't do that shit...i wright when i feel it and when i don't i can't...well here it is all out on paper...well not paper but whatever..well time to submit into whatever will be of it..

~riesjac
i might be a black light but atleast i'm not burnt out..

     some people say hell is getin closer to the earth..no it's just getin closer to calli, it's damn hot in the desert...so whe is new with me...um i put in a leave chit to go home at the end of the week..though it hasn't been approved yet...sounds like i'm getin put off again, wh'at new i'm in the navy.. well we just had a major change of weather..it went from 110-112 to 108-110 much cooler..it' not the heat that i don't like it's the sun..pensacola was hot because the humidity held heat this place is hot because the sun is beatin down on you all the time..pensacola you couldn't see the sun most the time...always cloudy..i haven't seen a cloud in months.. i'm not shure y i use this to complain so much...oh happy note..um i'm still tad...yea it's an easy job..work nights don't see so much of the sun...october i'm requestin to go to "A" school again..this time i am goin to make it. if they want me to or not i AM goin to pass that school, i don't know y but i feel so far away...kinda like i'm watchin my self do everything that i'm doin..u know the feelin u get when you can almost see what's happoning arround u when your eyes are closed..that's  how i feel but my eyes are open..i dno't understand i don't expect anyone else to..but still, i didn't like who i became and now i miss who i was..and i'm still tryin to become what i was tryin to be.,.working hard or hardly working it all takes you to the same place, neither faster or slower...what's the point!..ok now i'm goin to post this and leave it maby some day somebody will come accorss this and it will help them..don't know y else i wrote it....i don't go back and read them nobobly else read's them...untill then ..publish..i'm out

 /`|||||||`\
 (RIESJAC)

 \~||||||~/

you ever look back on yourself and realise that you wouln't like meetin youserlf..well i'm back to that again...i think i've never been off of that..just hit me again today..i've not talked to my daughter in ...i don't even know..the one thing i promised myself that i would never do...my friends ..stoped talkin to most of them...tryed to start over..but that just leades to the same circle... make friends and then stop..i'm takein leave and i haven't even told anyone back home that i'm comein yet..tryed to tell megan one night but didn't stay online long ennouff to check if she ever got it..i need to call and talk to everyone but keep putin if off..it all comes back to i'm tryin to hide from myself..i di'nt like me, that's not what i realy mean ..i wouldn't like me if i meet me...it that makes sence..hell i don't even have money to buy plain ticket right now..go figure..i'm just in the mood to smash things..so many things i need to do...i'm just tiard..tiard of bein me..what ever...well this was my break down..now putin smiling face back on and headed back to work...y did i come here? oh yea because i was a lazy pile and didn't wana go to coledge..ok done..peace i'm out..

~ri3sj@c
i might be a black light but atleast i'm not burnt out

ok step one what's new...whats new is we have missles aimed at north korea they testin lagre icbm we tell them they shoot it neer us we blow them up...china says they back them but tryin to convince them otherwise..missle aimed at US fuled and ready...while i look at this and i see what they want us to see...wouldn't you have another one sitin somewhere if everyone knew about that one..almost makes sence hu?...y is everyone so stupid that they see everything for it's face value..but never look deeper..hey that's what happoned at 9/11 we saw some people planin on attackin us..so we paied attention to them and in reality they were here pretendin to be us..we see plain we can talk to so we figure raido went out and try to signal them..reality they were taken over and we droped the ball..perl harber..we knew world was at war but figured ocean would seperate us..we need to stop lookin at face value..what is this hidein?...dosent' it seem like we keep putin our eggs in a basket and not lookin the the basket to see the snake waitin for us to feed him..and we have a presedent that is stuck on himself thinkin he has everything in control..and he quotes

 

 "God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear."
    --George w. Bush

Los Angeles, CA
03/03/2004